Coping with a Critical Voice
A little while ago, I received an invitation to speak for a corporation. I excitedly said yes. A large part of my professional and personal goals at the beginning of 2020 included increasing how I used my voice in my professional and personal life. How exciting then to be asked to speak! What a good opportunity.
I prepared for the event as I always do. I did my research. I wrote up notes and outlines. I practiced. When the day arrived I felt very nervous. My stomach churned. I hadn’t been sleeping great. What I practiced sounded so good in my head, but when I went to speak it out loud, I found myself tied up in my own performance anxiety like an old box of holiday lights.
I’m a counselor. I know how to deal with anxiety in my body. I shook it out. I put on dance music and bopped around the room to channel the excess energy that flooded my body. I took slow deep breaths. Inhale for four counts, hold for 7, exhale for 8 counts, and back again. I imagined my breath smoothing out my flared up nervous system with a warm golden light. I utilized every coping strategy I knew.
I still felt uncomfortable. I reminded myself that coping strategies aren’t magic feel-good activities. They help you cope and that’s what they were doing, even if I wasn’t Zen-ed out. The day arrived and I gave my talk. I showed up. It went okay. I didn’t feel like I knocked it out of the park, but I also didn’t feel like I made a fool of myself. It went all right according to my initial assessment.
Unfortunately, a few hours later, as the initial burst of adrenaline started to wear off, a wave of insecurity unexpectedly washed over me. It felt a lot like the Ice Bucket Challenge. Do you remember that hugely popular challenge from 2014? The ice bucket challenge was a social media fundraising campaign for ALS that asked people to dump a bucket full of ice water over their head as part of the donation process. After dumping the ice bucket, you publicly passed the challenge on to someone else, who then repeated the recorded process and posted it on social media as well.
I participated in that challenge two times. Once at the school I was working at in 2014 and once at home. If you did that challenge, you may remember the rush of your breath being completely taken away by the freezing cold water rushing over your head.
That is exactly how I felt as the insecure and sharply critical voice in my head started to ramp up a few hours after completing my talk. This critical voice isn’t new to me, so I’m not sure why I was so surprised. The critical voice has shown up so often in my life that I have a name for the phenomena. I call the critical voice “The Gremlins”.
You need to be of a certain age to know the Gremlins reference. Gremlins are small little animals that look cute, sweet and cuddly until they get wet or you feed them. If they get wet or you feed them, watch out. They turn into slimy, hyper, sharp-teethed little maniacs pin-balling all over the place, destroying whatever they can in their agitated state.
Here’s what the “Gremlins” were chattering on about after the talk:
“You should have told better stories.”
“You were not responsive enough.”
“You were not really engaging”
“Did you really share anything new?”
“Who do you think you are anyway?”
You get the idea. These little gremlins were just having a heyday in my mind. Sounds fun right?
It was not fun at all. Suddenly, my “pretty good” talk was feeling like a shame-fest.
Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever had a strong passion to show up one way, to start moving forward on a goal? Yet, once you do, a critical voice shows up to sabotage the progress you made moving forward?
This happens to many people. I know that I am not alone with my gremlins. Neither are you.
Here’s what I did that day:
I acknowledged that part of the growth process often includes the arrival of some insecurity and possibly some gremlins. We tend to be hard on ourselves when we feel insecure. And when we’re doing something new, we can’t know it all. We will have parts that need improvement or aren’t spot on. So, the gremlins will see this as an opportunity. No problem. Expect their arrival. Expect that some inner criticism may show up as you try new things.
Give the gremlins some space. When the gremlins show up for me I do not freak out anymore. I used to. I used to think they were proof that I was an imposter. Why else would I feel so bad? I know better know (see #1 above). Instead of resisting them. I give them some space. It might look like this: “Ah, the gremlins are here. That’s a good sign I am growing. Let me give them some space by mentally stepping back from the thoughts. How do you do that? See #3.
Create a container for the thoughts. Here’s what I did that day. I sat down with a blank piece of paper. I drew a large box on the piece of paper. I wrote down all of the insecure thoughts, placing them securely in the box. This helps to externalize the uncomfortable thoughts. In addition to the thoughts, I drew a little picture of a stick figure and how I was feeling. It can be helpful to include any drawings that represent how you feel or what is showing up.
And still… This is the most enjoyable step and the most important. After you write it all out, return for a moment to what is still true about you. Yes, the critical voice may tell you you messed up. Maybe you even did. But what else is still true? You did the thing. You might feel a certain way about it.
And still...
Still enough
Still lovable
Still curious
Still funny
Still loving
Still open
Still respectful
Still belong
Still connected
Still learning
Still impactful
All the gremlins in the world can show up for you. They can hold their international conference in your mind, flying gremlins in from all around the globe to hang out together in your lovely mind. And still, the above items are still true.
We are heading into election week this week. Fear and insecurity are showing up big time for many people. Regardless of what happens this week and during the following weeks, I find it helpful to remind myself what I believe to be true of our country and humankind.
And still...
Still passionate people working hard for change
Still amazing leaders in our country on both sides
Still people that care for their neighbors and friends
Still huge amounts of love
Still innovation and progress
Still creative solutions
Still a powerful force for connection alive and well in the core of humanity
So this week, my hope is that you are able to connect to your own version of “And still…”
You got this.
Kate