Dismissing Grief Doesn’t Dissolve It
What Can You Do Instead?
During COVID, I was interviewed by the Social Emotional Director for a local school district here in Indiana. The interview was recorded for their staff. We talked about the recent and abrupt announcement that schools would not reopen this year and the accompanying grief and loss teachers experienced as a result.
Loss is when something you expected to have or experience is gone.
Grief is the resulting emotions you feel as a result of that loss. A loss can be large or small. The grief and subsequent feelings after the loss depends on the person. It’s individualized. We can get stuck in grief and loss when we don’t recognize it as such. We’re quick to compare and dismiss our own grief. “Oh, I still have a job, so there is no reason for me to feel sad about not being able to see my child graduate high school.” Or we dismiss others’ grief, “Listen, I know you are upset about not seeing your friends, but people are dying. Staying at home right now is NOTHING.”
David Kassler, a grief and loss expert addresses our desire to compare and dismiss grief.
“The worst loss is your own.”
Comparing losses doesn’t work. There is this idea that maybe we will run out of empathy if we give it to ourselves in our loss. As if empathy is finite. “If I give empathy to myself for feeling sad about my kids not getting a senior year, then I won’t have any leftover for medical workers.” Empathy doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t run out just because we are compassionate to ourselves. Another way we often attempt to deal with grief and loss is to try to hopscotch over feeling the pain. We want to ignore, avoid or stuff those feelings and “move on” or “get back to normal.” Or we believe we make a beeline from the initial grief and loss to acceptance and meaning.
Unfortunately, you can’t process and move through emotions that we don’t recognize and name. It’s like carrying around a backpack filled with bricks and thinking that you just need to strengthen your back to feel better. In reality, you need to turn around and take note of the backpack. You need to identify the backpack and start taking those bricks out one at a time. How do you do that?
1. Recognize and acknowledge what feels like a loss right now without judgement.
You can do this by making a list. What were you expecting to happen or occur that is no longer the case or possible now? One night at dinner, we went around the table and shared what we were missing. We acknowledged many of the losses that came up as a result of the school year ending:
-No 8th grade dance -
No performing arts trip
-No closure to the middle school experience
-No spring sports
-No prom, which means no planning prom, shopping for prom, wondering who she’ll go to prom with.
-No weekend hang outs.
-No spring break trips
-No college visits.
You get the idea. We let our kids really share what was coming up for them as a loss and how they felt about it. And we did that without trying to pretty it up and make it feel better
2. Explore what feelings and emotions come up.
Sadness, anger, frustration, guilt? What pops up as you really notice what’s there right now.
3. Notice where you feel it in your body.
When you think about the loss, where does it show up in your body? Your neck? Does it feel like a pit in your stomach? A tightening of your chest. Notice and practice being with that feeling.
4. Experiment with giving yourself some compassion.
Put your hand on your heart and try out something like, “I can feel the deep fear you have about money right now. You are really scared. Yes, this has been hard and I’m here. You are getting through the best you can, moment by moment.”
5. Sparks of hope.
After fully recognizing and exploring the loss, which can take varying amounts of time based on the loss, do you notice any sparks of hope? Where might you want to reinvest your energy, love and attention? What is surfacing as important right now?
6. Consider checking in with others. Call a friend. Hang out with a family member.
We need to connect with other people to process our loss. We don’t do it well alone. This is tough because so often, our default response to loss and grief is to withdraw and isolate ourselves. We need to do our best to recognize that and still reach out. We need others to witness and be present with us in our losses. It can also be very healing to be a witness to those you care about. Presence and listening is a deep gift.
While are now years past the height of the epidemic, loss and grief continue. It is a natural and normal part of life AND it can be extremely difficult. If you are struggling to process your own loss and grief, reach out. Look into finding a counselor. If you are in Indiana, fill out a contact form and we’ll get you connected. You don’t have to do it alone.
About the Author: Kate Kneifel is a counselor and owner of the Yellow Key Collaborative. Kate brings over 15 years of experience in education working as a classroom teacher and a school social worker to her practice. She’s served children, teens and families at every developmental stage from preschool to high school. Kate takes a client centered approach to therapy while using evidence based methods. She specializes in trauma-informed modalities including EMDR, Internal Family Systems and the Gottman Method. Kate can be found leading various workshops in the Collab Lab or in the community revolving around creative expression, art therapy, and premarital counseling. When Kate is not at the YKC, she enjoys riding her bike around town, quilting, collaging and trying to limit her consumption of reality tv.