Understanding Your Window of Tolerance
People stop going to counseling for a number of reasons. The therapist might now be a good fit. Scheduling could pose a problem with busy schedules. Maybe you’ve been to counseling before. Maybe it was really beneficial for you. Maybe it was just so-so. Many people quit counseling because they felt counseling wasn’t making things better quickly enough. But there are some people who stop counseling because it feels like things are getting worse instead of getting better.
While most people agree that counseling can be helpful for a number of different reasons, what isn’t often talked about is how difficult it can be.
It’s true that counseling can make things feel a bit tougher sometimes. There are a number of reasons why this can occur.
Today we’ll address one particular reason:
You were not working within your window of tolerance.
What is your window of tolerance? In short, your window of tolerance is the sweet spot to be in if you want to make progress in your therapy sessions.
The Window of Tolerance concept was developed by Dan Siegel. The Window of Tolerance describes the optimal level of ‘arousal’ or stimulation in which we are able to function and thrive in everyday life. When we exist within this window, we are able to learn effectively, engage with life, and relate well to ourselves and others.
If you can imagine three squares stacked upon each other, your window of tolerance is the space in the middle. When we talk about your window of tolerance within the counseling session, it’s the space where you’re addressing topics that perhaps you’d rather not. These are subjects that you might not readily dive into with friends or acquaintances in your everyday conversations. And yet, they are your stuck spots. They are the places that feel tender, scary, vulnerable and a bit wobbly but not TOO much.
When you are in your window of tolerance, you can sort through these tricky areas from a place of engagement and curiosity without getting overwhelmed and flooded. Essentially, it's tough, but you can handle it. Staying within your window of tolerance in a counseling session is like getting in a tough workout at the gym. You may have been dreading it, but it feels good to know you did it, that your body is getting stronger. You feel proud of yourself for making it through.
If things get to be too much, you might flip out of your window of tolerance into a hyper-arosed state. In a hyperarousal state your fight or flight response is activated. You start to feel panicky, angry, or overwhelmed. Thoughts of “This is too much, I can’t handle this, or I have to get out of here,” might start running through your head.
You can also fall out of your window of tolerance into a hypo-aroused state. This response comes from your freeze/collapse response in your nervous system. You know you’re here when you are shutting down, exhausted, feel floaty or separate from your body, or numb. This is a TOO MUCH response of shutting down, where hyper-arousal is a TOO MUCH response by gearing up and mobilizing.
When you aren’t aware that a window of tolerance exists, it’s tough to know when you’re in it or out of it. Talking about difficult subjects that you haven’t discussed in a long time, might throw you out of your window quickly.
Additionally, we all have different sizes of our windows. Some people have very small windows of tolerance and others have really big ones.
Our past experiences, trauma histories, current environments and coping skills change the size of our window of tolerance. For example, the size of your window may be different from your partner’s if you grew up in a household with an alcoholic parent, or in poverty, or are a part of a marginalized group of society and your partner had emotionally stable middle class parents.
Your window can change from day to day.
Have a big work presentation coming up and your toddler son was awake with a cough last night and your mom is moving into assisted living in two days? That window of tolerance will be smaller than the day you slept for 9 hours with no interruptions on a Saturday where you spent the day hiking with friends.
The size of your window of tolerance is not a sign of weakness. A smaller window isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a sign that your nervous system has been working hard to keep you safe. Our window of tolerance acts like a circuit breaker for your nervous system. Then something is too much for your nervous system to handle, it shifts you up to mobilize your resources to keep you safe, or it shuts everything down to conserve energy and keep you safe. Your nervous system has been working for you. But it can also keep a little stuck and a bit too responsive.
In counseling sessions you can flip out of your window of tolerance if things are going too fast or too intense. Luckily, those things can easily be regulated and adjusted. It can also occur if you don’t quite trust the counselor to handle what you’re sharing. Sometimes it takes a bit of time to build trust with your counselor, especially if you’ve had an expansive trauma history. That’s okay. You might need to take things slower.
What can you do if you notice that you’re flipping out of your window of tolerance in counseling sessions?
Start paying attention to your window of tolerance as you move through your day. Use the Window of Tolerance Awareness Checklist. What flips you out of your window? What activities do you feel solidly within your window. This helps to increase your own self awareness of your window.
At the beginning of your next session, talk about the window of tolerance with your counselor. Share with them that you’ve noticed in sessions you’ve been out of your window of tolerance.
Ask to discuss some strategies to stay within your window during sessions. I will often explain the window of tolerance to clients during the preparatory phase of EMDR therapy. I check in with clients and ask them to let me know when they feel like they are slipping out of their window of tolerance.
It’s not unusual to have the desire to quit counseling if you are consistently finding yourself out of your window of tolerance. When you stay within your window, healing can take place. It doesn’t have to be unbearable to move forward. It might be hard, but when you stay in your window of tolerance, just like that great workout, you’ll get stronger emotionally and you’ll feel the pride that comes with moving forward.
In the coming weeks I’ll share a few strategies to help you move across your nervous system with fluid flexibility.
In the meantime, be sure to check out the following resources regarding your Window of Tolerance.
Window of Tolerance Explanation Master Series
Window of Tolerance Explanation for Parents of Children and Young People
Ready to Get Unstuck, Feel Better and Move Forward? Let’s chat. Schedule a free phone consultation and let’s see how we can help.