How to Set and Hold Boundaries When a Boundary Fairy Isn’t an Option

What’s the best holiday gift that you can give yourself this year? What about a Boundary Fairy?

How much would you appreciate a little boundary fairy to help you set and hold boundaries? She could sprinkle her special “guilt free” pixie dust on you so you would feel zero discomfort as you set and hold your boundaries this season.

She might even whisper the words you need when the person you’re setting boundaries with pushes back. 

You talk to your friend about how it feels to you when she is an hour late to your house for dinner. 

She says, “Well, I’m always late. That’s who I am.” 

The Boundary Fairy whispers:

 “I understand that you are often late, but when I am hosting you for dinner, I expect you to arrive at the time we discussed. If you are more than 15 minutes late, we’ll plan to go ahead and eat without you.” 

Your father in law likes to engage in political discourse that is combative and insulting during get togethers. 

The Boundary Fairy whispers: 

 “Dad, it’s okay that you feel passionate about politics. But it’s not okay to use inflammatory language when you speak of those with opposing views to yours. Tonight we’re staying away from potentially divisive conversations. I’d appreciate it if you do not bring up politics.”  

In case you don’t receive a boundary fairy this season, let’s talk about what boundaries are and provide a quick primer on how to set them. 

What are boundaries?  

-Boundaries are the behaviors and expectations you have in order to have a safe relationship. -Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” 

-The limit you set for yourself that defines what you are willing to do, accept or tolerate. It protects your right to have your own thoughts and feelings and guards them from being criticized or evaluated. 

Brene Brown simply defines boundaries as “What’s okay, what’s not okay.”

How do you set a boundary?

One way is to use Brene Brown’s definition of what is okay and what’s not okay. 

It’s okay_____________________ (fill in the blank what behaviors or situations that are okay with you). It’s not okay______________________ (clearly describe what is not okay).

“Susie, it’s okay to bring separate dishes that are vegan to dinner but it’s not okay to gag at the table when other people eat meat.”

“Mark, it’s okay to enjoy cocktails as we celebrate. It’s not okay to drink to the point that you are slurring your words and stumbling when you walk.” 

“Mom, it’s okay for you to want me to have a companion. It’s not okay to ask me multiple personal questions about who I am dating and why I haven’t settled down.”

After you clearly state what IS okay and what is NOT okay, it can be helpful to follow up with what you need or what you’d like to happen.

“Susie-Please do not comment on other people’s dietary choices.”

“Mark, please do not exceed 3 drinks tonight.” 

“Mom, please do not ask me multiple questions about my dating life.” 

One of the greatest obstacles to setting a boundary for many people is that they don’t want the other person to get upset with them.  However, setting boundaries actually creates clarity in the relationship. Clarity leads to transparency and a sense of safety. People with healthy boundaries are very safe people to be around. So if you want to feel safe and you want others to feel safe, healthy boundaries are a key component.

Boundaries are a clear statement about what you need.

“Sarah, I need to share a difficult situation with you. Please keep what I say between us.” 

You are specifically stating what you intend to do, share a difficult situation and what you need from them, keep it confidential and not share it with others. By clearly stating your intentions and your needs, you are actually supporting the other person by clearly setting the scene. Have you ever had a friend share something difficult with you and you weren’t sure if you should try to help, express shock and anger or ask more questions?  

“Joe, I need to talk to you about a work situation, but I don’t want you to try to solve it for me, I just need you to listen.”

This is a different boundary from, 

“Joe, I need to talk to you about a work situation. I reacted in a specific way, can you help me explore and untangle the situation to see if I could’ve responded in a different way?”

If you don’t get a Boundary Fairy this holiday season, here’s some good phrases to keep handy (hint, put these in your phone for easy reference or reminders prior to tricky situations)

It’s okay to __________________. It’s not okay to__________________.

I appreciate your concern, but this is my decision.” 

I respect your opinion, but I don’t share it.” 

I will no longer be in the middle of family conflict.” 

Please stop asking/saying/doing _________.” 

“I understand your frustration, but I am choosing __________.”

It’s nothing personal. I just have preferences for myself.

That crosses the line. If you’re going to continue, I’m going to leave.”

I’m confused. What do you mean by that?”

I am not comfortable with ________________. I’ll_______________. (choose another behavior or option. 

Are you trying to make me feel bad about my decision?-(Guilt-trip response)

Your response seems like you are trying to change my mind.-(Guilt trip response)

If you want to learn more about setting boundaries, check out “Set Boundaries Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. You can also take her free Boundaries Quiz or order her Set Boundaries Workbook.

Learning to set and hold boundaries is a skillset is something that takes some practice. Don’t beat yourself up if it feels really clunky at first. That’s how it goes with learning a new skill. Keep some of the phrases in your phone. Practice what you want to say. Write it out first. Give yourself some grace and compassion and you test out these new behaviors.

Next week we’ll talk more about what to do when you’ve set the boundary and people are upset with you. What do you do then?

You got this.

Kate