Boundary Guilt Trips: How to Deal with Push Back
In August of 2019, Andrew Luck, the Colts star quarterback unexpectedly announced that he is retiring. After years of injuries and rehab he realized that this is no longer what he wants. It was time to wrap it up. Living in constant pain was no longer okay for him.
Cue the fireworks...
The news stations and the sports channels lit up with the news. They shouted that he was only 29, was he being disloyal to fans? The underlying message was, “Who does Luck think he is to retire this early? How dare he?”
This sentiment continued when later that day Luck appeared on the field at the Colts stadium and Indianapolis fans booed him. Fans booed their beloved quarterback because he set a boundary that didn’t serve them. It made them uncomfortable and this was how they were going to make him pay for it.
As I watched ESPN the following morning, all I could think was, “This is why people resist setting boundaries. They don’t want to get booed off the field.”
When you set a boundary, when you step forward and say, “This is okay with me, but this isn’t, so I am going to do___________.” It often means that the other party is going to feel some kind of discomfort. They may not like it.
With Luck, he said, “Football is no longer going to work for me. I cannot be a healthy person physically or emotionally if I continue. Thank you for a wonderful career, but now I am finished.”
This leaves fans and the Colts team in an uncomfortable position. It means they will NOT be Super Bowl contenders this year. Luck’s decision impacts the Colts franchise, the fans and ripples out in a million different ways. This is what happens when you set a boundary.
Your mother-in-law wants your family to go on a weeklong vacation over the winter break in December, but it would use up all of your vacation time and you have other plans for that time. If you say no, it will mean that your family is the only one not going on their side. You and your husband are on the same page, but you hate to disappoint the family. You say no.
Your mother-in-law is VERY disappointed. She lets you know. It’s uncomfortable. She is uncomfortable. Your husband is uncomfortable. You’re uncomfortable. The dog is uncomfortable. You experience your version of getting booed off the field. She’ll genuinely miss your family not being there and you feel guilty, but you hold your ground.
This is one of the obstacles to setting and holding a boundary. You worry you will feel guilty. You’re right. You probably will feel guilty. Set the boundary anyway.
We feel guilty setting boundaries because it goes against how so many people were raised. Many people were raised to do what others want us to do instead of respecting your own needs. That leads to a feeling of guilt when you respect your needs at the cost of someone else’s request.
How can you handle and make space for the guilt or discomfort you may feel?
Normalize it-This is often part of the process. It doesn’t mean you did something wrong, it means this is a new behavior for you. The discomfort will not last forever.
Use a mantra for support-Pick a mantra as a reminder to help you ride the wave of discomfort and guilt. Possible mantras include:
“It’s okay for me to state what I need.”
“Go slow, say no, move the conversation forward.”
“Setting boundaries creates healthier relationships. It isn’t mean, it’s a brave act of transparency.”
“Clear is kind.”
“It will be okay. I’m doing my best.”
“I’m Brene Brown-ing the heck out of this situation.”
Breathe and count- When you feel the desire to backtrack, apologize or over-explain yourself, take a deep breathe. Count in your head. Counting gives your brain something to do instead of backtracking or caving to the discomfort.
I am incredibly proud of Andrew Luck. This decision had to be hard, but also healthy. Luck made the decision based on his internal values and goals. He’s clear about who he is and what he wants.
But when you stand in your own knowing, it freaks people out. As I watched and listened to the ESPN commentators, this is what I heard:
“Is this going to be a new trend? Are we going to see more young players taking the money and running?”
Listen for the implicit message there. What do you hear? I hear, “How dare he? Who does he think he is? What a selfish, greedy move.”
They also asked, “Will this change the game of football? Will hurt players just bail?”
I actually hope this decision DOES change the game of football. It’s no secret that NFL football is extremely dangerous for players, physically and mentally. Physical injuries and concussions can cause extreme and permanent damage in the lives of players. So, could Luck’s shocking decision garner changes to the game? I hope so.
The commentators I listened to that morning came around to the conclusion that no, more players would probably not take this route, that most players would do anything for the game, including sustain major injury for the honor of playing the game.
In short, they believed other players would not set such a healthy boundary. Other players would not be able to handle life without football and would instead willing choose to play themselves into the ground.
Phew! What a relief.
Andrew Luck has a lot to teach us. Setting and keeping boundaries is a tough task, but you can do it. After Luck got booed, the people that know him, played with him, worked with him, mostly came forward to support Luck and his decision.
Setting boundaries will not end healthy relationships.
Luck is going to be just fine. Fans will eventually move on. The same can be true for you.
Set the boundary. Let the people that really know you support you. Understand that your boundary may bring your version of getting booed. But like Luck, you can still be okay. You can manage the temporary discomfort. Best of all, you will continue to move forward in your life and not remain stuck in your version of injury that keeps you sidelined from your life.
You Got This.
Kate