Improve Your Communication with a Softened Start Up
“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.”
One of the main obstacles I hear from clients when we discuss how to have a difficult conversation or how to communicate a boundary is, “I don't know how to begin.”
Using a Softened Start Up is an effective way to start a conversation about your needs or boundaries.
Softened Start Ups are not:
-Passive
-Critical
-Aggressive
-Inflammatory
Softened Start Ups are:
-Direct
-Clear
-Assertive
-Kind
A Softened Start Up utilizes six different skills.
Skill 1: Start the conversation gently-Complain, don’t blame.
Research shows that about 60% of the time, when a conversation starts harshly, no matter what happens next, it is viewed as negative and isn’t productive. This changes when you use a Softened Start up. How you start a conversation often sets the tone for the conversation. Start gently.
Complaining is okay, criticizing is not. Criticism is defined as a verbal attack of one’s personality or character. Criticisms can often include words like always and never.
Criticisms often start with “You”. They might sound like:
-You’re always looking at Instagram. You don’t really listen to me when I talk to you.
-You aren’t helping put the kids to bed at night and I’m sick of it.
-You didn’t stick up for me when your mom started talking about how we parent the kids,
However, when you complain you are:
-describing the situation non-judgmentally.
-expressing how you feel
-sharing what you need.
Skill 2: Make statements that start with “I” instead of “you”.
Softened Start Up: I feel frustrated when I walk into the kitchen and the cabinet doors are open. It would really be helpful if you would close the cabinets when you leave the kitchen.
Criticism: You never close the cabinet doors when you leave the kitchen.
Softened Start Up: When I try to talk to you about my day, I feel dismissed and ignored when I see you checking your email on your phone. It feels like I’m not important. When we are talking to each other, I’d like us both to put our phones down.
Criticism: You never pay attention to what I’m saying. You’re always looking at your phone.
Skill 3: Describe what is happening without judgment. Stay with the facts.
-I’ve put the kids to bed by myself for the last 2 weeks.
-We agreed that you would set up all of our bills for online bill pay two months ago, but it is not set up.
-You’re hitting the snooze 3 times each morning and it is really disrupting my sleep.
Skill 4: Talk clearly about what you need in positive terms.
-I need us to alternate days of putting the kids to bed.
-I need you to check with me before you confirm plans that necessitate us getting a babysitter.
-I need you to put your phone in a separate room when we eat dinner.
Skill 5: Be polite. Speaking clearly does not mean permission to be rude.
Use phrases like, “ I would really appreciate it if…” or “It would be wonderful if…” “It would really mean a lot to me if…”
Please and thank you unusually goes a long way as well.
Skill 6: Give appreciation. Notice what your partner is doing right and let them know.
I’ve noticed that you’ve started putting your dishes in the dishwasher each morning before you go to work. I want you to know how nice it is for me to start my day off with a clean kitchen.
I know you are really putting a lot of effort into spending more one on one time with the kids when you get home. It reminds me of how grateful I am that being an involved Dad/Mom means so much to you.