The Gift of Baby Drama
“Real life is messy and drama is a shaped version of real life.”
When we are in a counseling session, you just never know what might come up in an effort to make new meaning from what is going on. This is what I heard myself say recently, “I wonder what it would look like to embrace some baby drama over the big drama .”
Baby drama vs. Big Drama. What would that look like?
Baby drama-noun: Definition: The small amount of drama created in a negative response to a boundary.
Big drama- noun: Definition: The large amount of drama created when an individual repeatedly does not set appropriate boundaries.
No, I am not talking about a Maurie Povich-type situation where you find out who the real father is. In this case we are looking at the word “baby” in terms of small, little, manageable pieces. Could you, would you, consider embracing small amounts of drama and discomfort instead of dealing with large amounts of drama and discomfort and intensity.
So often, we want to let the smaller things go. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” We want to come off as laid back and easy going.
I agree that there are times when this is exactly what needs to happen, when the best action is to just “go with the flow.” But, what happens when you are always “going with the flow”? I’ll tell you what happens, you end up flowing all over the place according to other people’s needs, values and priorities. It feels chaotic. You get all out of whack.
When you don’t prioritize your own needs, values and priorities, you end up resentful and far from our own goals and values.
So, what do you do? How do you know when to let it go or when to set a smaller boundary and accept whatever discomfort might be coming your way.
First, you get really clear what your values, needs and priorities are. Your values, needs and priorities are like a well maintained tennis court; they tell you what’s in and what’s out. They help you draw the lines.
Once you understand your values, needs and priorities, you can use them as a navigation tool to let you know when you can “go with the flow” or when you need to set a boundary. When you do set that boundary, you may need to navigate some baby drama. When you expect some pushback, you can be better prepared to address it.
Example: When Sue shared that she could not sell tickets for the upcoming Choir Holiday Fest, the PTO president responded, “You know, we really need help and I was counting on you.” Sue took a deep breath, knowing that this was her version of baby drama. Sue didn’t like to disappoint people, but really needed that night off. She accepted the current baby drama knowing that some big drama would unfold if she didn’t take some time for herself. Knowing this she held her own discomfort and replied, “I can’t make it this time. Thanks for understanding.” And then promptly changed the subject or excused herself to remove herself from further pressure.
It sounds like a no-brainer right? Why would you NOT set boundaries early and accept some baby drama and keep moving?
Where you might get stuck: People get stuck with smaller boundaries because they are unclear on their own needs, values and priorities. OR they aren’t sure how to navigate the impending discomfort they anticipate will come their way.
In the example above, Sue knew that she needed some time to herself. If she ignores this need, it will not go away. This is the deal with true needs--they can be stuffed down and ignored for a bit, but true needs will boomerang back at you with a vengeance if they are ignored. They demand your attention.
Let’s break down this example according to values, priorities and needs.
Values: Perhaps Sue values creativity. She planned to write or read or paint on her free night.
Priorities: Since Sue values creativity, and she hasn’t had much time to herself lately, she is able to prioritize that activity over volunteering at the school for the Choir Holiday Fest.
Needs: She needs the time to write and feel creative in order to feel grounded, to express herself and feel fully alive. It energizes her and allows her to then be even more present when she is with others.
See how that works?
These three aspects values, priorities and needs will change and then change again. Our needs change based on what is going on recently. They change according to what needs have been ignored for a while. Values can change too depending on the season of life. Priorities shift and shift again.
Here’s the key, if you arm yourself with self awareness, you can check in with yourself to get a better idea where you are, and then decide your next action. That action may produce some baby drama, but it’s so much better than the big drama.
Baby Drama or Big Drama…
The last place you might get stuck is the understanding that if you embrace baby drama, you say “YES” to drama in the present. You’re saying, “Okay, bring it on. I’m ready.”
It’s sort of like jumping into the lake when it’s a bit chilly. You know it will be a small shock to the system. But after initial plunge, you get used to it and you swim around and enjoy the day at the lake.
The same is true with baby drama. You will experience some discomfort, but if you are able to notice it, breathe into it and stay grounded, and remember what is gilding you with your values, needs and priorities, you will be okay.
The discomfort of baby drama is fleeting. It won’t last too long.
It’s tempting to put off the baby drama because you just don’t want to deal with it. Please remember, when you avoid baby drama, it may mean you’re actually trading up. You’re trading up a small amount of discomfort for a big amount that will hit you just a bit further down the road.
Baby drama is wading into a cool lake on a summer’s day. Big drama is a January Polar Bear plunge.
This holiday season, I’d like to bestow upon you the gift of navigating baby dramas this year. Be a baby drama boss. A baby drama diva. A baby drama dragon slayer. You get the idea.
If you’d like to learn more about setting boundaries check out the posts below.
You can be a baby drama dominator!
You got this,
Kate