How to Stop “Shoulding” Yourself

You’ve heard it before, “Don’t ‘should’ all over yourself.” This concept applies to your inner and outer world. We determine what we should or should not think. We also tell ourselves what we should or shouldn’t do with our behaviors.

How often do you use the word should?  

I really should start working out more.

I should sign the kids up for piano lessons.

I should stop biting my nails.

I should save more money.

I should try that new under eye cream

I should stop leaving my dirty coffee cup on the counter

I should get up earlier

I should go to bed earlier

I should call my parents more often

“Should” implies judgment.  If you did the thing, you would be better, more acceptable, accomplished, have whiter teeth…whatever your brain thinks is best that day. Therefore you should do it and do it quickly.

Have you noticed how you feel when someone else tells you that you “should” do something.  What happens in your body? How do you feel or respond? Read the following phrases and imagine a parents or coworker or your chatty dental hygienist saying these phrases to you.

You should read this book.

You should go to my hairdresser

You should eat kale and beets with chopsticks.

You should meet my friend Cara. You two would hit it off.

You should walk backwards for 2 minutes each day

If you really pay attention to how your body responds, you’ll notice that there tends to be some inherent resistance to “shoulds”.

What can you do about it? You should stop. (Kidding) I’d like to present a possible alternative.

It might be helpful to first notice how often “should” shows up. Then, after you notice if it shows up a lot or not, how do you feel about it?  What is your personal reaction to shoulds?  Does it energize you? Encourage you? Or does it annoy you? Make you a bit angry? Depress you? Once that information is in hand, then you can decide how you’d like to move forward.  

Small shifts in phrasing can often help facilitate a change:  

I should do to bed earlier becomes

I wonder what would happen if I started going to bed earlier?

You should meet my friend Cara. You two would really hit it off becomes:

You might like my friend Cara.  

I should really read more becomes:

I think I’d like to read more books.

I should workout more becomes:

I could feel better if I started working out a few times a week.

I should save more money becomes:

I wonder how it would feel to proactively put away $50 a month from my paycheck for a vacation fund?

It may be worth noticing this week, what your relationship is to the word “should”. Is there a desire to shift if? If so, consider playing around with these small phrasing shifts and see what happens.

You Got This

Kate

Want to dive deeper? Interested in scheduling an individual counseling session with a YKC team member? Reach out. Let’s touch base about some ways to move forward.