The Ups and Downs of Individual Counseling
It’s perfectly reasonable to want your individual therapy sessions to feel like a continual upward trajectory of insight and positive transformation. Most people choose to seek out therapy because they’ve finally reached a pain point that is no longer bearable. Therapy should help you feel better. It should provide you with hope.
Unfortunately, when linear progress is what you expect, you can end up feeling frustrated when that doesn’t happen. You might start to believe there’s something “wrong” with the process, with you, or your counselor when you hit the inevitable bump in the road.
What do you do when you leave therapy feeling worse than when you went in?
Therapy and personal growth is sometimes more like a roller coaster. Some sessions you’re up and other times you’re in really uncomfortable territory that seems to leave you feeling worse.
Part of feeling better is learning to how to feeeeeeellllll better. This means an important part of therapy is often learning how to really feel the hard and tricky emotions instead of stuffing them or avoiding them. Therefore, sometimes to heal, we need to feel it to move through it. What needs to be felt and expressed might be difficult.
Unfortunately, this type of emotional discomfort often doesn’t provide the giddy thrills of a roller coaster dip. It feels vulnerable and uncomfortable. It can be exhausting, like running a marathon naked.
Instead of feeling safe and secure, you might wonder if the bolts on this ride are loose. Is your lap belt really secure? Or is your impending death about to be featured on tonight’s evening news? Yet, when you trust the ride, you can trust you will arrive at the end of it intact. You can go through scary loops in counseling and still arrive intact. Better than intact. You transform.
If you’re new to counseling or are currently in counseling, please know that there will be days when you leave the session feeling light, relieved and full of insight and awareness. You will be ready to take action. Hooray for counseling!
AND there will be other days when you will think what your counselor said was totally wrong and off base. You might feel a bit rattled, off center and or just great. You’ll wonder why in the heck you’re choosing to put yourself through this? Did you really just pay money to feel worse than you felt when you walked in? Yes, yes you did. Here’s a tricky truth: Moving forward often means embracing some discomfort and sometimes temporarily feeling worse.
This is actually good news! It means you’re probably really engaged in the work to shift those stuck areas.
I’ve been through my own therapy (as every good therapist should) and there have been times when I thought, “I’m not going back. This is too uncomfortable.” Even though I am completely aware that this is part of the change process, I’ve wanted to quit as well. If you do therapy past 3 sessions, which is when 50% of people stop going, you may encounter some days like this as well.
Here’s the rule I suggest you try out. Give yourself one more session to see what happens. After that next session, give yourself permission to seriously evaluate whether or not you want to stop and why. Bring up how you are feeling to your counselor. Here’s a few ways to do it:
“I noticed when I left last time that I was feeling pretty stirred up. I even thought about not coming anymore. I want to continue my own personal growth but I feel like I’m in a tricky spot right now. Could we talk about that this session?”
” I felt pretty upset when I left last time. And I’m worried about leaving upset again today. I’d like to talk about ways for me to leave feeling more grounded.”
“I’m starting to wonder if I’m really moving forward. I feel like I need a reminder of the progress I’ve made and what the path looks like moving forward. I felt pretty down last time and need a little boost. Can we talk about that this session?”
This all comes with one important caveat: You know when something feels really off. If you really feel like there is not a good fit between you and your current counselor, you probably already know it. You should never feel shamed, belittled or disrespected in your sessions. That is not okay. What I’m talking about here is feeling vulnerable or challenged in a new way that might feel difficult. If you find yourself at the beginning of your counseling path, remember that there are soaring heights and dips ahead. If you feel discouraged after a rough session, offer yourself some compassion.
Many people love roller coasters. They’re loved because it’s not something we feel everyday. They open us up to the thrill of adventure. We FEEL BIG on roller coasters. They’re enjoyed on the basis of safety. We know roller coasters are inspected and must uphold various safety standards.
You can view the counseling room and your individual session with those same parameters. It’s meant to be a place to feel a wide range of emotions in a manner that is emotionally safe, guided by a trained and licensed professional who will actively hold space with you.
Life is full of ups and downs. Remember that therapy often is too.
You got this.