Rethinking Gratitude
When Making a List Doesn’t Cut it
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Practicing gratitude is a behavior that will turn that frown upside down, lift the clouds of despair and rain down sprinkles of love and appreciation despite your circumstances.
Okay, I might be exaggerating a bit, but if you’re like me, you’ve heard this advice so often, that it immediately gets dismissed. Somehow such platitudes tend to bring out the annoyed teenager in me. They feel like your mom telling you to remember to wear your seatbelt or to say thank you to Mrs. Smith for the ride home from track practice. Before you know it, you’re mentally crossing your arms over your chest and loudly sighing as you roll your eyes.
I get it. Stay with me. Let’s explore the two sides of gratitude practices. Practices like writing down three things that you’re grateful for does work. They’ve been proven to work through various studies. Forced gratitude can also unintentionally make things worse. Which way the practice goes depends on some very specific nuances and micro adjustments.
Let’s talk a bit about your gratitude foundation. Emily and Amelia Nagoski outline the pros and cons of implementing a gratitude practice in their book, “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.” Emily and Amelia emphasize, “Being grateful for good things doesn’t erase the difficult things.” The idea of being grateful for what you have has been used as a weapon against people in the past. It’s a way to silence your struggle and shame you for suffering. It can be a vehicle of toxic positivity, serving to promote denial and avoidance.
“How dare you feel upset about losing your job? You should feel grateful that at least your partner still has an income. Do you know how many people have no income at all right now?” (Insert blame and shame for feeling and expressing your current feelings.)
It can be helpful to stand on a gratitude foundation that takes into account that feeling grateful does not mean ignoring your problems and feelings. Gratitude AND difficult feelings can hold the space at the same time. This is a tricky dance.
The brain will often lean us toward difficult feelings. This is due to the inherent negativity bias that exists. Practicing gratitude in intentional ways allows you and your brain the opportunity to shine light on the other aspects of your life as well, allowing you more time to really take them in and enjoy them.
Let’s talk about some specific ways to practice gratitude outside of the well known list making strategy. Emily and Amelia outline two additional options in their book.
Option #1:
Mr. Rogers led the way with this option. When Mr. Rogers accepted a Lifetime Achievement award he asked everyone in the audience to take 10 seconds to remember some of the “people who have helped you to love the good that grows within you, some of those people who have loved us and wanted the best for us, those who have encouraged us to become who we are.”
What would your list look like? Who in the past acted like a mirror for your goodness and helped you to see that basic goodness inside of you?
I can distinctly remember sitting on the couch in the office of my therapist several years ago. At the time I worked as a school social worker. I shared with her my desire to move to private practice and own my own business. She looked at me and said, “Oh Kate, you would be a wonderful therapist.”
That simple assertion may seem small now, but at the time, I felt like I might never work up the courage to leave the school system. I’d spent my entire career working in schools, first as an elementary and special education teacher and then a school social worker. I knew schools and their cultures inside and out. Her quiet confidence in me gave me permission to believe it was actually possible to make the change I’d be dreaming about. Her response allowed me to believe it might not be as big of a jump as I initially thought.
Remembering her facial expression and her easy offer of support gives me a boost just thinking about it, even these several years later. It was a small moment that changed my life.
As a way to boost the gratitude quotient, you might consider writing that influential person a letter sharing with them how they helped you.
Option #2: At the end of each day, think of some event or circumstance for which you feel grateful and write about it. Use the following prompts to really expand upon the experience:
Give the event or circumstance a title, like “Finished Writing Chapter 8” or “”Made It Through That Meeting Without Crying or Yelling at Steve”.
Write down what happened, including details about what anyone involved, including you, said or did.
Describe how it made you feel at the time and how you feel now as you think about it.
Explain how the event or circumstances came to be. What was the cause? What confluence of circumstances came together to create this moment?
Here’s an example I wrote during COVID, when a gratitude practice felt very helpful:
The Banquette That’s Been 15 years in the Making
Josh is building a banquette in our kitchen. With all of the downtime he’s been having during the quarantine, this felt like the perfect time to see if he might want to do it. From the very first time we walked through our house 15 years ago, I’ve wanted to get a banquette built in the kitchen. There’s something about scooching into a booth that looks out the window in your own kitchen that feels akin to a padded bay window seat that looks out into a big oak tree as a kid. I longed for that window seat as a kid. This built-in banquette feels like the adult version of that coveted window seat.
I feel so grateful that Josh wants to build it and that he has the skills to build it as well. It feels especially wonderful to know that somehow we are carrying on a tradition of craftsmanship in this house. The previous owner built so much in this house by working in the same garage. It feels like this house does such a great job supporting families and growth and change. I feel so grateful to the house, to the fulfillment of a small dream and to the skills that Josh has both to build it and the willingness to do it.
So there you have it, some additional options for practicing gratitude. If writing down three things that you feel grateful for is working well for you and you like it, stick with it. However, if you find yourself trying to stuff difficult emotions and circumstances because you “should be grateful”, notice that sensation and check in with what might feel like a better fit for your gratitude practice.
If it feels interesting, try one of these other options out for a test drive. Experiment with what works for you.