You’re Probably Not a Narcissist But You May Be an A**hole.
In the realm of intimate relationships, the waters are often murky, and navigating these emotional undercurrents can be a daunting task. Particularly for men, societal expectations about expressing vulnerability and managing conflict can lead to misunderstandings that impact both partners deeply. It's not uncommon for men to find themselves labeled in extremes—either as disengaged and cold or, paradoxically, as narcissistic when they attempt to assert their own needs. But are these labels always accurate? Let's explore this compelling issue and debunk some common myths surrounding men's behavior in relationships.
Understanding Defensive Posturing in Men
In many committed relationships, a dynamic known as the pursue-withdraw cycle frequently emerges. This cycle involves one partner (often the woman, in heterosexual relationships) seeking closeness or resolution of conflict (the pursuer), while the other partner (often the man) withdraws to manage the emotional intensity or perceived demands (the withdrawer). This withdrawal can manifest in various behaviors like dismissiveness, stonewalling, shutting down, or deflection.
Interestingly, when these withdrawn men attempt to assert their own needs in the face of pursuit, their behavior can be misconstrued as narcissistic. It's a defense, not a personality disorder. The term "narcissist" is clinically significant and should not be used lightly, as it refers to a deeper, persistent pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that goes beyond momentary defensive reactions.
John's Journey of Self-Reflection and Relationship Healing
Consider John’s experience: John often found himself on the defensive when his partner, Lisa, sought to resolve conflict, often with criticism. His typical reaction was to assert his needs for space and autonomy more forcefully, which Lisa perceived as selfish and dismissive—hallmarks she associated with narcissism. Then the name calling and contemptuous criticism began, continuing the pursuit.
However, the real issue was not narcissistic personality disorder but a mutual misunderstanding of each other's emotional landscapes, and some unskilled, defensively postured communication. John’s dismissiveness, stonewalling, shutting down, deflection, or push back may lend themselves to the a**hole moniker, but he was simply a person struggling to communicate his needs in a way that didn't feel threatening to his sense of self, and most likely to his partner. He was defensively postured in the face of perceived (or actual) criticism and scrutiny.
A Better Chance for a Better Outcome
The Pursuer’s behavior is really about trust: “I don’t trust that you’ll engage with me, so I’ll chase you until you do." John’s better chance at a better outcome could be: “I understand this is important to you, and I want to be there for this conversation. Can we take a short break so I can unwind from work, and then we can sit down and plan together?" This approach acknowledges Lisa's needs while also respecting John's. The is what I call the “You matter AND I matter” approach. Of course, John better follow through, or trust will continue to erode, perpetuating the pursue-withdraw cycle until the relationship breaks.
Considering Therapy for Lasting Well-being
The journey through couple’s therapy is not about assigning blame or labels but about understanding and interrupting ineffective patterns. Recognizing that terms like "narcissist" or harsh judgments like "a**hole" can be detrimental, therapy focuses on fostering empathy and open, SKILLED communication in the pursuit of fostering “You matter AND I matter”.
For men like John and their partners, embracing this therapeutic path can lead to profound transformations in how they relate to each other and enhance their overall emotional health. Therapy isn’t just for moments of crisis; it’s a proactive step towards lasting well-being and understanding in relationships.
About Jerry Wheeler, LMHC, NCC
Jerry Wheeler is a dedicated professional with over two decades of experience working with individuals and couples
in their mental health journeys. With an empathetic, straightforward, and intuitive approach, Jerry is committed to guiding you not just to feel better but to truly get better. Whether you're navigating complex relationship dynamics or personal challenges, Jerry offers insights and support tailored to your unique situation. Feel free to reach out and begin your conversation towards lasting emotional health.