Do You Know What You Need?
We have arrived at the final stage in the RAIN process, NURTURE. Once you’ve arrived at this step it means that you have already RECOGNIZED, ALLOWED and INVESTIGATED the difficult emotion. Way to go! If you aren’t sure what I’m talking about, go back and read the previous posts to find out.
Now, it’s time to move on to NURTURE.
What is the nurturing stage all about? Well, you’ve sat with this uncomfortable feeling for a bit allowing it to hang out. We don’t want to leave you in that state of discomfort. It’s time to give yourself some relief, to look for a healthy way to comfort yourself. The NURTURE phase boils down to one question, “What small step, thought or belief might offer me a sense of healing or comfort right now?”
A small action step might be to get some fresh air and take a walk, hug your dog, or to find a spot and journal your thoughts down in a notebook. A small thought step might be an intentional shift in your thinking. Maybe you noticed you are thinking that you’re a failure since you didn’t perform as well as you wanted to on that presentation for work or school. A shift in that thought may be as simple as, “You know, I did my best. A lot of people find presenting tough. I did it and now I know what I want to work on next time.” A small belief shift might mean moving from, “I’m not good enough” to “I am truly doing the best that I can and that is enough for now.”
At first as you practice this stage, you may or may not know the answer to the question, “What small step, thought or belief might offer me a sense of healing and comfort.” That’s okay. I want to encourage you to let the questions hang out with you for a bit. Really listen to what needs rise to the surface. Remember, you are practicing curiosity here. Judgement may show up if you aren’t sure what you need, but that’s okay. Just keep noticing.
Let’s go back to the scenario I shared with you back in the ALLOW post. After walking through the grocery store, saying, “Interesting” and breathing into the anger in my chest, I went through all of the investigation questions. When I arrived at the NURTURE stage and asked myself, “Okay, what small action, thought of belief, would offer me some healing in this situation? What do I need right now?” The answer was simple: I needed to get home. I needed to get the food paid for, bagged up and get out of the grocery store. Guess what? It worked. I finished shopping, paid for it all and schlepped it all home.
Do you know what I didn’t need right then? I didn’t need to go and write a verbal diatribe about cell phones and how they are ruining our lives. didn’t need to demonize that woman or myself. I didn’t need to make it into something bigger or deeper, because after checking it out in the INVESTIGATION phase, I didn’t feel that pull of a bigger issue underneath. So I checked out, when home, and the anger subsided. I felt better. It worked its way through my body and mind. It didn’t cause me any discomfort the rest of the day.
Sometimes, when you ask yourself what you need, something deeper might come up for you. But oftentimes, it is something small.
Where you might get stuck: If offering yourself compassion is a tough sell for you, this phase may be a place where you get stuck. Let me offer one more suggestion.
My friend and lifecoach, Samantha Thomas of SparKd, a Women’s Online Community, offers this suggestion. Find a photo of yourself when you were about 5 years old. Take a picture of that photo with your phone. Keep it on your phone or if you’re really bold, make it your screensaver. When you enter the NURTURE phase and find it hard to offer compassion to yourself and you struggle getting away from the judgment loop, pull up that sweet photo. What would you offer that young child? Would you offer them grace to make mistakes? A hug from a loved one? A moment of humor and unconditional acceptance? Words of wisdom that provide hope for the future? Yes, most likely you would. Try it out.
Keep that photo on your phone. See what happens.
Finally, let me offer up some additional resources for you to check out regarding self-compassion. These resources will help you explore and build your NURTURING muscle.
Books:
Self-Compassion-The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff