The Connection/Protection Equation
Have you ever had the feeling that something is off? Logically, you might feel like you should feel okay but you don’t. It doesn’t matter who or what “reassures” you. You don’t feel okay.
I’ve worked a lot with Polyvagal Theory over the last year. Deb Dana, LCSW is a clinician and consultant specializing in helping people safely explore and resolve the consequences of trauma. In her book, “They Polyvagal Theory in Therapy” she shared this valuable equation. She calls it the connection/protection equation.
“When there are more cues to safety than danger, we move to connect. When more cues to danger than safety exist, then we move to protect.”-Deb Dana
What are your cues of danger? What are your cues of safety? Those are two questions worth exploring. Let me share an example of disconnection/connection that I noticed recently.
The other night, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. After trying to get back to sleep, I got up and rummaged in the hall closet for some antacids. When I returned to bed, my husband asked if I was okay. I told him I just had a bit of a stomach ache and was fine. Then he reached over and held my hand.
My husband’s warm hand on mine was an immediate cue of care, concern and also safety. I fell asleep holding his hand.
Our cues may not at first be visible to you, but if you pay attention, you’ll start to notice them. Soon, you’ll start to make more and more connections and suddenly it makes a bit more sense why our nervous system is reacting the way that it is.
Let’s consider another example:
You might live with a partner who likes to keep things tidy in your home. They are naturally a very “picked up” type of person. You are not. Normally, this might not be too much of an issue. Except for when you get ready to have guests over to your home. Your tidy partner may love for the house to look nice. They thrive on being a good host for the people they care about. They want others to feel comfortable. They’ll happily bustle around the house, vacuuming, dusting, lighting candles, arranging the pillows and setting out the perfect appetizers. For your partner, this is connection. For you, it might register as a danger cue. Some of you might be saying, “What? If my partner did that I would be jumping for joy.”
Tidying up the house can set off some nervous systems. For you, getting the house ready for guests may have historically meant parents in a bad mood, getting snapped at as a kid, huffing and puffing and intense pressure to look and act perfect in order to be acceptable. You may have learned to dread guests coming over as the preparation was so unenjoyable growing up.
So, even though your partner means no harm, you might need to take special care with your own nervous system to not see it that way. The same situation, your partner sees it as connection, you may see it as disconnection and danger.
How do you figure out what cues connection or disconnection in your own nervous system?
First, it’s helpful to notice what is a cue of safety and a cue of danger for you. Then, you can look at balancing out your safety/danger equation to allow you more moments of connection versus being stuck in protection.
Here’s how you can experiment with this concept in one small step:
Notice what feels like a cue of safety and/or danger for you.
Notice how those cues connect to your emotional state. Do you feel in a state of connection or in a state of protection?
Is it possible to shift or address your cues? Do you need to move away from some cues of danger? Or do you need to perhaps address some cues of danger. For example, Josh knows how for me, the voracious cleaning can trigger some crabbiness in me. We have an understanding and worked out our own system for getting ready for guests that works better for both of us.
It can be helpful to know that you’re not really stuck, it’s just your nervous system doing its best to protect you.It’s possible to befriend your nervous system and really start to work with it in a more flexible manner. This process can act as an initial step. Want to learn more about Polyvagal Theory? Check out this pdf for a beginners guide to Polyvagal Theory.
If you’re interested in taking this process further, reach out. Let’s talk and see what a good next step might be.
You Got This,
Kate