Questions to Ask Yourself to Get Unstuck: Investigate with RAIN
This is Part 3 in a 5 part series about RAIN. RAIN is a specific system you can use to help you navigate through difficult thoughts and experience.
Today we are going to talk about the “Investigate” in RAIN.
WHAT YOU WILL LEARN:
How to INVESTIGATE your difficult emotions or situations.
We’ll talk about some questions you can ask yourself.
I’ll teach you the investigation dance
AND we’ll walk through an example so you can see how it works.
The investigation stage is when you shift into detective mode. In this stage you are going to tap into your sense of curiosity to observe your inner and outer world to see what you notice, patterns you can pick out, and feelings and emotions you can identify.
You move into the Investigation phase after RECOGNIZING that something is going on, and ALLOWING the difficult feeling or emotion to hang out for a bit.
Let’s use an example to illustrate what INVESTIGATE would look like. Let’s say you are at a friend’s house for dinner. There are several couples at the table. You notice that there are several conversations going on at once. Something in you starts to shift. You RECOGNIZE that something is amiss and you’re starting to feel uncomfortable. You take a deep breath, notice that you can feel it in your stomach, and consciously ALLOW that feeling to hang out. It’s INTERESTING (an allowing technique) that this is showing up right now.
Your first instinct is to judge yourself, “What the heck is my problem? Why am I feeling anxious when everyone is clearly having a good time?” This is where the INVESTIGATION phase gets activated.
Remember, you want to intentionally move away from any judgment you might be tempted to slide into the situation and instead activate a sense of curiosity as you work through the following questions:
Describe the current situation.
If we could tap into your mind right now, what thoughts would we hear bouncing around in there?
Where are you feeling it in your body?Any other sensations? Flushed face? Tingling arms, legs, rapid heartbeat, pounding in ears, etc.
What emotions are coming up for you right now?
Have you ever felt this way before? If so, when?
What might make the situation worse?
What might make it just a tiny bit better?
As you work through these questions mentally in your mind you might notice a few things. Let’s give an example:
Describe the current situation as objectively as you can.
Everyone is seated around the table enjoying their meal. There are several conversations going on at once. Everyone looks very engaged in their conversation.
If we could tap into your mind right now, what thoughts would we hear bouncing around in there?
I don’t know where to jump in. I have nothing to add about any of these conversations. Plus, I just feel tired. I sort of hoped that I would get a chance to talk to Jane and tell her what’s been going on at work lately. Work has been such a bear these last few weeks. It looks like I might not get that chance to really talk to Jane, or that it might not be the best setting for that. I’m not feeling very upbeat at this moment and it sort of wears me out feeling like I need to suck it up and try to be.
Where are you feeling it in your body?Any other sensations? Flushed face? Tingling arms, legs, rapid heartbeat, pounding in ears, etc.
I feel it in my stomach. It feels tight and it hurts.
What emotions are coming up for you right now?
Guilt for feeling like a downer. Frustration that work is taking up so much of my energy. Disappointment that I may not really have a chance to connect with Jane about this tonight.
Have you ever felt this way before? If so when?
Yes, I have had other times when I felt tired from work, but I also wanted to get out and see my friends. Sometimes it is just the boost I need, but tonight it feels draining.
What might make the situation worse?
I think if I start berating myself it will make things worse.
What might make it just a tiny bit better?
Maybe just shifting my expectation of the night. I am going to enjoy that I have these friends and just appreciate that they are happy and laughing. Tonight can be more about listening for me. I can check in with Jane about getting together one on one soon so we can really talk about things.
**Where You Might Get Stuck as You INVESTIGATE:
You might worry that you can’t remember all of those questions. No problem. I give those questions as examples.
If you can’t remember: Here is a shortened version to try:
Situation
Thoughts
Body,
Better/Worse
You also might think, “I don’t have time to ponder all of those questions in the middle of an uncomfortable situation.” This might be true. If it feels true, then let yourself hang out in the ALLOWING phase until you have time to INVESTIGATE.
What I will offer here is that most people actually move very quickly to make sense of a situation to relieve the discomfort. We just do it by judging ourselves or others. This is how we find ways to make sense of it. INVESTIGATION allows you to look for patterns and start making sense of what is going on internally and externally without the painful judgment that can tip our mind into the downward spiral of negative thoughts like, “I’m not good enough”, “Something is wrong with me”, “I’m bad,” “He’s an idiot”, or “She’s a jerk out to get me”.
Practicing RAIN is like learning any other skill. It takes time. See if you can stay open to trying it out and just noticing what happens.
Next time we’ll cover the final phase of RAIN: Nurture.