Can You Make Space for Challenging Emotions?: How Can You“Allow”?
For a short amount of time, I volunteered to train service dogs. One of the training techniques addressed what to do when a dog encountered something it was scared of, like a plastic bag flapping in the wind or a large garbage can, or any other novel item that seemed scary to the dog.
We were taught to play the game, “Check it out!” with the dog. Instead of trying to reassure the dog not to be scared, we’d say, “Oh, look at this bag! Let’s check it out!!” And we’d lead the dog to explore the bag, with us going first like it was the most interesting thing in the world and talking in a happy upbeat voice. “Wow, look at this bag! It’s all puffed up in the wind. Mmm, interesting huh? What a neat bag!” We’d let the dog sniff it and when they were ready, we’d move on, the dog’s tail alert and wagging happily.
Are you ready for your own version of “Check it out?” In order to play check it out, we first have to ALLOW. I am going to be totally upfront with you. Allowing is crazy hard. I feel it’s the most difficult part of RAIN. Let’s talk about what it means to “Allow”, why it is important and then how to do it.
Allowing is the act of letting a difficult or uncomfortable feeling hang out in your body or your mind. You know that uncomfortable feeling you have when you’re talking to someone and they have a clump of spinach stuck in their teeth? Or a booger hanging out of their nose? Allowing is kind of like that. It’s uncomfortable, you want to say something, but you are just going to let it be. You’ll wait for that hefty sniff that gets rid of the booger or a big swig of water that flushes out the spinach. You aren’t actively doing anything to get rid of it.
Am I taking this metaphor too far? Perhaps. Allowing means you notice when something hard is showing up. Instead of judging it and working to get rid of it, you activate curiosity and check it out.
Allowing sounds great in theory, but is like Olympic weightlifting in practice. Let me share a story with you to share how allowing shows up.
One day, I was in the grocery store getting our weekly groceries. I was zipping through the produce section checking things off my list. I needed three zucchini that week. The store had a huge endcap of zucchini at that time. Standing smack in the middle of that end cap was I am sure a very nice woman. This (I am sure is a very nice) woman, was talking on her phone as she stood in front of the zucchini. As I approached to get my three z’s, I felt confident that she would step aside and continue her conversation.
This did not happen. Even with me standing fairly close to her, she did not move. She continued her conversation about her son Bryce and soccer and the coach and the issue with who was or wasn’t playing in last night’s game. Now, I could have grabbed 3 decent z’s from the corner I was able to access. But, this seemed silly. There were exactly 300 zucchinis right in front of this woman and I wanted access but she wasn’t moving. So, I decided to lean over her to get the one I wanted. While I was leaning, I brushed her shoulder with my shoulder. It was like I electrocuted her. She immediately snapped to attention, looked at me with disdain and spat out, “Well, how RUDE of you!”
(Insert record scratch here…) WHAAAAATTTTT????? I was rude???!!! She yapped away on her phone completely oblivious to anyone else and their need for zucchini in the middle of the produce section and I was the rude one? Incredible!
Well, I grabbed my three zucchini and zipped off in my own cloud of indignation.
As soon as I walked away, I RECOGNIZED that I’d been hooked by this interaction. My face felt flushed and my heart was beating in my chest. The thought, “How DARE she call ME rude!” pinballed back and forth across my brain.
Knowing that these thoughts were going nowhere good fast, I moved into the ALLOWING.
Here’s what allowing looked like for me. “Wow, I am feeling super pissed about this interaction. I can feel it in my chest and I’m feeling super defensive about it. It’s a pretty strong feeling. INTERESTING. Okay, I am going to outline it and breathe into it.” I walked up and down a couple of aisles. Once I got to the canned vegetables, I checked back in: “Yep, still really strong. Huh, INTERESTING this anger is still hanging around.”
I breathed and checked in. I allowed that anger to hang out the entire grocery trip. It joined me as I checked out and took the trip home with me as well. Once I got home though, I noticed on my next check in that it was gone. The anger left. My chest felt okay, and I found I was even to sort of chuckle about it. After taking a minute to INVESTIGATE, (the next step in RAIN that I will address next week) I realized that there wasn’t much to it. Just a busy day and some annoyance with the interaction.
This is just one example on how ALLOWING can show up. We use the technique of allowing, because the opposite instincts, to obsess over something difficult or to stuff down something difficult, those instincts do not work. They lead us away for a valued, aligned and engaging life. It’s like being caught up in quicksand either way.
I mentioned at the top of this post that ALLOWING is super hard. So let’s outline three ways you can practice allowing:
When you notice the difficult feeling or thought, resist the urge to judge it. Instead move into a sense of curiosity and say, “Interesting.” This allows you to address the feeling. You are not denying it, stuffing it or obsessing over it. You are saying, “Ah, you are here. Noted.”
Embrace the word, “AND”. Notice what is showing up and hold both. In my case with the zucchini I felt silly for being so angry AND I felt incredibly angry anyway. I allowed for both of those feelings to coexist as I pushed my cart through the store. You can be empathetic AND irate. You can be helpful AND annoyed. You can be generous AND resentful. Embrace the AND, embrace the contradictions of the moment.
Breathe into allowing. Here is a specific technique that is very helpful when you feel the discomfort showing up in your body.
Identify where the feeling is in your body: stomach, chest, face, forehead, back, etc.
Pretend that you have a thick black Sharpie marker. Outline the feeling you have in your chest.
Fill in the outlined area with a color and a texture. I like to do a pink fog. But you can do a green velvet or a gray silly-putty like texture.
On the inhale, imagine the shape stretching out across the area. You are giving it space to grow bigger.
On the exhale, let it shrink back to its original size. Not smaller, just back to the regular size.
Inhale and exhale as many times as you need to stretch out that feeling and give it some space. Enjoy it, notice the changes that happen.
When you get good at ALLOWING, it is like being a Jedi Master of sorts. When you can truly say, “Huh, it is INTERESTING that I am feeling so vulnerable about this situation right now. I was not expecting that.” Or “I am okay with this, I am feeling both grateful to be here AND exhausted. Maybe they are both okay. Maybe I am not a horrible person after all.” Or when you feel that familiar tightness in your chest and you outline it and stretch it out just as you would a sudden muscle cramp.
This is empowerment. This is an amazing sense of freedom. Because here is the real deal that you already know; to live a full life, we must embrace discomfort. We must befriend it. We need to open the gates and ALLOW without overwhelm or the need to stuff it all down and away. We need to be able to navigate this difficult emotional terrain skillfully to keep growing and changing into the people we are called to be.
You can do it! Try it out and let me know how it goes.